You Can't Lose Me
by Pafoof
Summary: Alexander Lightwood thought that losing Magnus would be the hardest thing for him but he finds himself facing something even worse. Will Magnus be willing to help him as he always promised? Sequel to You'll Always Have Me of sorts but can be read alone. AU after CoLS.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's spiel: Hello everyone! How are we all doing after CoHF? Okay so this is not compliant with CoHF at all and it's a sequel of sorts to You'll Always Have Me. Alec maybe be a little OOC but he is going through a very upsetting time so please keep that in mind. Now, I put this as complete but I don't know if it really is complete. I just don't know what to do with mundane Alec. I mean I could have him discovering finding a mundane job? Or we could have him discover mundane high school in order to get a decent job? If you have any ideas please please tell me! Hope you guys enjoy this and plan to see much more Malec from me, I can't leave these two alone. Please drop a review if you can and let me know what you think and any thoughts of what to do from here. **

Alec straightened out his hair one more time as he gazed into his bathroom mirror. He had been summoned to see his father, now the High Inquisitor. Being summoned was never a good thing, but Alec couldn't see how things could get much worse for himself. Since Magnus broke up with him, well, he had fallen apart a little. He tugged on his sleeves to hide the still pink scars from his stupid actions a few days ago. He truly knew better, he knew it would solve absolutely nothing. Yet, it made him feel better in some kind of small way.. The pain and tension he couldn't bring himself to tell anyone about had been released a little. No one in his family knew they had truly broken up. Isabelle suspected something was up but he couldn't even bring himself to tell her. If he said it out loud then it would really be real that Magnus wanted nothing more to do with him.

He headed out into the chilly hall and wished his parents would leave already so they could turn the heat up. His parents always kept it unusually cold, which is where he got his sweater wearing habits. Magnus had almost broken it by keeping his apartment as a steady seventy five degrees but his parents had ruined that. He dodged where Church was lying, not wishing to disturb the cat lest he find a set of claws in his ankle. The cat was as temperamental as his sister, maybe more so. He took a deep breath as he reached the door of the library. This, whatever his father wanted him for, was not going to be a fun, familiar chat. This was all to do with business and that slightly terrified Alec. Everything seemed to be somewhat okay at the moment. They had Jace back, thank the Angel, and they were all in one piece after the awful battle. Isabelle was happy with Simon and his parents were getting divorced, however they felt about that, so things were working out for the most part. This all meant that whatever business Robert wanted to conduct with his son was likely personal.

"Father," Alec said as he opened the door and stepped into the library of his childhood. The place where he had learned so much and had so many good memories. Some were boring but still good. He ran his hand fondly over the banister as he lightly went down the few steps to approach the desk. He couldn't read the look on his father's face very well. He had never had a great relationship with his father since he was very small. Before he was old enough to be a shadowhunter things were great. Then once he got his first rune (which made him cry a little) things had gone down from there. Isabelle had come up only a year later and she far surpassed his skills in every area. She was quick and determined and very, very talented. Alec was only good with a bow and arrow in his hands. Hand to hand combat proved him to be complete rubbish.

"Alexander," His father's tone was completely neutral. Since the moment he had revealed his boyfriend to the entire clave things were always neutral with them. It was better than downright hatred but indifference stung just as strongly. "Come sit down, we need to talk." Alec slowly sat in the wooden chair associated with every bad memory he had of the place. When they were younger they would call it the doomsday chair. It was the chair they were forced sit in, backs perfectly straight, when Hodge needed to yell at them or lecture them about something or other. If you were told to sit in this chair, things could never turn out well. He gulped and wiped his palms against his jeans which were sweating slightly.

"What's going on? Is this about clave business or did I do something?" Robert sighed and steepled his fingers in front of his face. The clock ticked loudly above and Alec stared at it instead of looking at the man whom he had disappointed most of his life. "Da-"

"I have put the clave off for months by saying this was a phase." His tone was clipped and he wouldn't look at Alec one bit. Alec sucked in a breath and could hardly breathe as his heart pounded. Oh God, he was talking about Magnus. He was talking about the one thing he did to completely defy his parents and his heritage. That one thing that was no longer in his life anymore. The pain twinged harshly in his chest and Alec took another quick breath to stave off the tears. He had gotten to the point where he was alright as long as he didn't talk or think about it. If he didn't say the warlocks' name or think of their time together he could get by. Now, of all damn times, his father wanted to talk about this thing with Magnus. "Unfortunately it is a bit hard to convince him of this when you continue to flaunt your relationship every chance you get. You kiss him on battle fields and let him put his hands on you in front of anyone, regardless of what they may think. You have made it quite clear that this warlock is more important than everything I have brought you up to be. You insist on dating men so the consul and I have had the conversation I've been putting off."

"That isn't-" Alec wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say but he didn't want his father thinking that his boyfriend came before his family. He would consider them maybe on the same level but not one before the other. "I can't help who I like. What, do you want me to be alone forever?" Robert finally laid his hands flat on the desk and a mix of anger and grief entered his eyes.

"It's been pretty clear over the last year that what I want has no consequence. I want you to adhere to the laws that have been in place since you were born! I want you to be a son I can be proud of instead of a disgrace!" Alec felt as if a knife had wedged itself beside the one already there in his heart by Magnus. He had suspected his father thought these things. There had been underhanded comments and looks but now it was said. His father hated him, and wanted nothing to do with him. Just like Magnus wanted nothing more to do with him. He had never felt so unwanted in his life.

"What did the consul decide then?" Alec knew what was coming, he had a feeling. His father never got emotional until something awful was happening. He knew the next words would be awful and tensed in his chair with his hands gripping the arms of the chair so that his knuckles turned white.

"You're having your marks stripped. The life you've chosen is not one befitting a shadowhunter. You are not worthy of carrying the torch Jonathan has passed down to us. You will report to the silent city tomorrow morning for the ceremony. You will be required to leave the Institute. This is no longer negotiable Alexander. You have made your choices and these are the consequences." The silence that fell was utterly oppressing. Alec felt his breathing coming sharper and sharper so that is rattled in his ears. He couldn't look at anything around him, only stare at his knees. His worst nightmare was coming true and he couldn't even say it was worth it. So long ago in that Hall he was sure this would be the outcome. He had been confident that he was throwing his whole life and childhood away. Then it seemed as if everything was going to be alright. His father wasn't thrilled but not nearly as angry as he had anticipated. Alec stood on shaking knees and found he couldn't bring himself to leave. There was one last question he had to know the answer to.

"What did you vote?" Robert looked at him finally and their blue eyes locked, matching exactly. Alec had been so pleased when he was younger that they had the same eyes. It made him feel as if there was some bit of his brave, strong father inside of him.

"Honestly does it-" Alec cut him off.

"Just tell me, I want to know whether my father had any desire to keep his only son around. Did I matter enough for you to vote against politics or is this what made you Inquisitor?" Robert's jaw locked and a muscle began to twitch.

"I was not about to have my son be the disgrace to our people. If you want to go play with downworlders then be my guest, but don't expect me to go along with you. Run along to your warlock, see if he has a place for you." The knife twisted and a sob broke through the clenched lips of the young man. He didn't want to show weakness in front of his father, a man who thought being weak the same as being a leper. He had no tolerance for tears or emotion. Especially since this was all business, at least to the elder Lightwood.

"I have no warlock. You're just tossing me out to the fucking dogs." Alec got out before he turned on his heel and stormed out of the library that had been his sanctuary so many times. Everything was a blur as he reached his room and began to toss things in a bag. He had no idea of where he was to go. He had no money to call his own really, he had spent it on this stupid outfit for Magnus. The warlock had raved over it for a month and once Alec got his first adult paycheck he had blown it completely on it. Magnus had lit up like Christmas had come early and that had been a fantastic night. Alec sighed and swiped impatiently at his eyes. He had no friends that didn't live here or with their parents. He wasn't about to ask Luke and Jocelyn, also clave members, to take the outcast in. Knowing his father it would just get them in heaps of trouble as well. He tried to even his breathing as he leaned against the sink in the bathroom. He had to get a grip before going out there. New York was much like a dog cage, they would eat you alive if you showed weakness. It wasn't all bad but for a young man with no direction it wasn't an easy time either. He grabbed everything he could see and simply stuffed it in the bag with his clothes.

He stopped when he fingered the razor he had hidden behind the faucet. The lines had started a week ago and they made him feel better. It was probably another weak thing but who did he have to call him weak anymore? His father threw him out and it was likely that Isabelle and Jace wouldn't be allowed to talk to him ever again anyways. They would all go on without him and he had to learn to cope completely alone. The first cut took his breath away and he watched as a little blood welled up. He couldn't afford to spend much time in here but just a few minutes was all he needed. He cut his fingertips gently and felt the emotional numbness creep back in. As soon as he could breathe without pain he ran a hand through his hair and stuffed the razor in his pocket. If it would get him through the next twelve hours, so be it.

"Alec!" Izzy's eyes were wide as she came to an abrupt halt in front of him. Her hair was coming out of her perfect ponytail and her eyes a little wild. "Dad says...well I don't even know what he said but he mentioned you are leaving and that I should say goodbye or something. What is going on?" Alec pressed his wrist firmly against his dark jeans and felt the sting to give him enough courage to go on.

"I'm not going to let Dad sugar coat this Iz, my marks are being stripped in the morning. The clave has decided that I'm not fit to serve the Angel. I can't live here anymore." Alec saw her expression completely break but also knew that he couldn't lie to her about something like this. He wanted to protect her but at the same time she was likely stronger than he'd ever be.

"They – they _can't_. Alec, you can't go." Her voice broke off trembling and Alec knew she wanted to cry but also knew that she wouldn't, especially not with their parents home.

"Just be good," Alec said softly while leaning forward to kiss her forehead. "I'll figure this out and I'll keep in touch some way. Take care of Jace and don't tackle things you can't handle." His eyes grew soft and his voice choked. "I can't bail you out anymore Iz, you need to do that yourself now." Before he really did shed tears he tore down the stairs and flung himself into the elevator. He didn't know where Jace was but knew that he couldn't say goodbye to his brother. Jace still held a very special place in his heart even if he wasn't in love with him. The blonde boy had been the first to ever show him he mattered for just being Alec. Jace had showed him friendship and kindness even though he was afraid of spiders and was far from the best at combat. He trained with him and fought with him. He teased him until he was comfortable with his insecurities. The day they took the paratabai rune was when Alec knew he would never be truly alone as long as Jace was around. He knew that if he was forced to say goodbye to Jace he would completely break and he was too close to that already.

The colder night air hit him along with a mist of rain. He stood on the hard pavement and looked one way and then the other, still entirely unsure of where to go. Finally he headed towards Central park and decided to go from there. It didn't matter much as it was since he had no destination in mind.

After a few hours with no solutions coming to him Alec stumbled into a bar that he had come to with Magnus one night. It was a gay bar and was mostly for downworlders and outcasts like himself. He had had a great time and felt the welcoming air as he slumped down at a stool on the end. The back corner was a dance floor that was utterly crowded and it was lit with dim red lights. He ordered a plate of fries and a strong mixed drink. He wasn't much of an alcohol person but tonight was a good night to start. The bar was open until 2am or so and then maybe he'd kip out on the subway until dawn. There were shady characters down there but he could handle them for tonight. He still had his runes tonight and his seraph blades. Tomorrow, however, he might want to steer clear of any subways past midnight.

Taking a deep breath he downed the rest of his drink to avoid thinking about what tomorrow would bring. He ordered a straight shot of whiskey and pushed away the food he had ordered. He wanted to get drunk quickly and just stop thinking, the only way he'd get through this miserable night. He stared in a haze at the dance floor and tried not to remember how Magnus had dragged him out there after quite a lot to drink last time. They had danced to the heavy beats and just enjoyed being free in a place where no one knew them. Magnus's skin had been warm against his and he had tasted the sweat as it rolled down his boyfriend's neck. He had been wearing deep purple pants with a leopard print on them and Alec thought they looked ridiculous until Magnus had put them on. His shirt had been a silky black vest which he had left open as their air heated and their bodies came together. He came to his senses as he realized he was staring at those same pants as they walked towards the door, following another man outside. Alec threw money on the counter and forgot about his things as he only wanted to follow the pants that had caused him so much trouble.

He nearly fell as he stumbled out of the door and made quite a racket as he knocked over a garbage can lining the curb. The crash made the two men in front of him stop. Magnus looked completely shocked even as he shivered in the much colder air. Alec tried to count the goosebumps on his chest but then raised his eyes to his face. The warlock was speechless and as he tried to form words Alec managed to find some words of his own to say.

"Well I hope you're happy." Anger laced his slurred words as he steadied himself enough to stand up straight at last and face the man who wrecked his heart so badly.

"Alec, what are – "

"Is this an ex of yours?" The man behind Magnus purred with a lazy arm around his hips. "I'm glad you got better taste after you dumped his sorry ass. Get lost you drunk loser." Magnus shrugged off the arm impatiently and attempted to approach the intoxicated shadowhunter. Alec swallowed against the cotton feeling and was determined to finish the thought that had been circling in his head since he had left the library what felt like days ago.

"They kicked me out. They're taking my marks because I'm so in love with you that nothing else matters. I'm losing my life and where the hell are you? You've fucking gone and left me! Thanks for keeping your promises! You don't give a fuck about me the same way everyone else could give a fuck less about where I end up."

"Go home David," Magnus muttered before firmly hoisting Alec off the wall. Alec wanted to enjoy Magnus's hands on him again but right now was too unbelievably angry to appreciate anything about this moment.

"You don't get to break my heart and then touch me whenever the hell you want. That isn't your right anymore, no one has the fucking right to touch me unless I say so. Get off!" Alec shoved Magnus away and nearly heaved up everything he had consumed. His chest hurt and he wanted to just cry until everything stopped hurting so damn much. He had nothing and no one left.

"You are drunk." Magnus said firmly and gently took his face in his hands. Alec tried his best to focus on the face in front of him. The face he had memorized long ago and that he loved to look at like a piece of art. Magnus was so unbelievably beautiful with his green mixed with gold cat eyes and smooth tan skin. "You can't stay here this intoxicated. You smell and need somewhere to sober up. I'm taking you to the loft and getting you sober." Alec swallowed against the bile once again and finally let Magnus help him to his apartment. It turned out he was closer to Brooklyn than he had thought. He was still angry and so unbelievably sad but since he couldn't walk straight the hands that guided him weren't completely unwelcome.

"I need my stuff. I left it on the floor of the bar when I followed you. It's all I have." Alec slurred as he slumped on the couch and hid his face in his arms. He heard a snap and assumed that Magnus had simply summoned his bag, he knew it well from the vacation they had taken. Alec took deep breaths and enjoyed the completely blank mind he had at the moment. He heard shuffling and then a gentle hand was turning his head.

"Drink this and talk to me, Alec. I can't talk to you like this." Alec whined in protest, knowing full well that whatever Magnus held would take the numbing feeling of alcohol away and it would come back in stark clarity. He tried to pull away from the insistent hand but then a cold vial was pressed to his lips and he struggled harder. Why did Magnus get to tell him to come back to reality? Reality was pretty unbearable lately. Magnus sighed and put the vial on the coffee table before hoisting Alec up and tugging him down into his lap. Alec loved sitting in his boyfriend's lap. Something was so comforting about it. He curled against the familiar warm chest although he knew this would be a very bad idea when he was sober.

"I dun wanna be sober." Alec whined softly as he felt Magnus lean forwards and pick up the vial again. Magnus sighed and held it in front of his face once again.

"I am not doing this Alexander, you are going to drink this and stop being a drunken hooligan on my couch. You know better than running away.." Hearing the angry note in his voice Alec sighed and downed the awful vial in one. He spluttered and coughed for a moment and it took only that time for him to be sober again, albeit with a slight headache. He started to shiver and knew he had to move from this spot quickly. He quickly shot to the armchair and drew his knees to his chest. Magnus had pulled on a sweatshirt but still wore the purple pants that had caught his attention in the first place. The clock on the DVD player read that it was two in the morning. In seven hours nothing would ever be the same again. In seven hours he would lose everything he had ever known and he still had no idea where to go. He chanced a glance at the warlock and saw that Magnus looked concerned more than angry but the love he was so used to seeing was gone. It was true then, Magnus wanted nothing to do with him. He noticed a dark hand print on Magnus's hip where the other man's hand had been, covered with something that left a stain. Magnus was trying to bring someone home with him, someone else to their bed.

"Sorry I ruined your booty call." Alec muttered as he picked at a loose thread. He used to think that Magnus made a thread loose on purpose because he liked to play with them when he didn't want to engage in eye contact. Now it seemed that he had been wrong and it was just how things were, nothing special. Was everything in the relationship that skewered? Maybe he just thought things had been so wonderful, maybe they were in reality just awful and Magnus had never loved him the way he had imagined. Magnus was now lying down on the couch with an arm behind his head to gaze at him. A laugh bubbled over his lips as he took a cigarette from a drawer in the coffee table. Smoking was the only habit Alec could say he truly abhorred about his boyfriend, or rather ex-boyfriend now.

"David was hardly anyone being disppointed over. He was just a body. Now, you're being stripped? When did you find this out and not tell me?" The concern was back as Alec stiffened and tried to keep his breathing even. With the moment being hours away it was hard to keep he panic in check. He had had anxiety problems as long as he could remember and he had worked hard to keep them under control most of the time. He wanted Magnus to comfort him like he normally did. The hands that were so graceful always kept him calm and his thoughts from swirling too fast. He just wanted his hand to run through his hair but it seemed the warlock was comfortable.

"My father is the High Inquisitor now, he told me tonight. He voted to have me stripped so I guess I'm done." Alec fought the tears as hard as he could. He swallowed until the lump in his throat was smaller. He hadn't cried yet and he wasn't about to start. If he was to do things alone he had better start right this minute.

"Fuck," Magnus swore as he finished the cigarette and sat up properly. "Do you know what you're going to do? Have you saved any money?" Alec sighed impatiently, the warlock had a bad habit of doing this. The age gap made him act like an older brother more often that he'd like. He liked to lecture and advise likely out of habit but it grated on him at times.

"The last money I had I spent on you." Alec said, not without bitterness coating his words. Magnus bit his lip, seeming to remember the outfit his ex had granted him with a few months ago. Chairman seemed to have woken up and quickly went to Alec's side and curled up next to him purring loudly. Alec smiled fondly as he stroked the soft fur. He had missed the cat nearly as much as the man.

"Are you going to get any sleep?"" Alec rolled his eyes and snorted softly. He didn't sleep on ordinary nights, let alone his last night as a shadowhunter. He distantly thought about going out to hunt a demon or two before he couldn't but he knew he was far too tired and worn out to do any good. Besides, all had been quiet for weeks. It was likely there weren't any to even hunt right now.

"Not planning to. No" Magnus sighed and ran his hands over his face. He finally looked up again and the two gazes locked. Alec could always drown in those eyes and his body ached as it had the first few weeks after they had broken up. His heart ached the way it had as the voicemail had picked up time after time he had tried to call. He quickly pressed his nails into his slit open wrist and the pain helped to ground him a little before he did something stupid like dive into his arms wantonly and never look back.

"Well I'm going to get some sleep, something tells me that tomorrow is going to be a long day." Magnus stood with his face completely unreadable. Alec finally tore his gaze and went back to his thread loose in the chair. He hated when he couldn't find the words to say or the thing to do, especially when it was evident something needed to be done. He felt the shocking feeling of a hand brushing softly through his hair. Before Alec could truly enjoy it the hand was gone and Magnus was heading towards his bedroom with a soft "Goodnight Alexander" over his shoulder.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

A few hours later found Alec not holding it together nearly as well. He was curled up on the bathroom floor trying to not heave up everything he had eaten in the last twelve hours. He was shaking and trying to keep his breathing even as much as possible. The anxiety had set in and set off yet another attack. Normally they weren't quite this bad but then again he had never faced anything this life changing before. The tears wouldn't stop falling down his face and he was biting his lip to be quiet so he didn't wake Magnus in the next room. It was approaching six in the morning now and there was only three hours left. He had absently drawn every rune he knew on his body with his stele, the first thing he could really call his. His stele was like an extension of his hand and in a few hours it would be gone. His friends would be gone and his future as a shadowhunter.

He lost the battle with his stomach and heaved over the toilet. His shaking increased and he found himself fingering the razor he put in his back pocket. He didn't know if it would even help but for some reason he was tempted. It sure had helped him cope without Magnus with him. The first few days had been utter hell without the warlock. He had felt so alone and useless without the warlock telling him he was beautiful and wanted. He had never heard those words in relation to himself before meeting the warlock but it was awful having them taken away.

"Oh darling," The soft voice reached his ears moments before he felt the arms around him again that he thought were gone forever. His lip burst open and blood filled his mouth as he tried not to let the sobs through that wanted to break free. He couldn't fall apart right now. He had to keep it together and figure out what to do. If he fell apart his father won and he couldn't let that happen. A soft thumb came to pry his lips apart so that he couldn't mutilate his lip any further. "It's okay baby, it's going to be okay. I'm here darling, I promise you I'm here."

"No, you aren't here. You left me too." A sob broke through now that he couldn't press his lips together due to the thumb that was still in the way. Alec found himself in the warlock's arms as the older man picked him up and carried him to the bedroom. The scent overwhelmed him as he was lowered down onto soft sheets he loved. Sandalwood would always be the scent of Magnus to him after their time together. He struggled to get up again, not sure he could handle the overwhelming feelings that came with that smell. He had been pushing it all away for so long that when he finally felt it the strength of it seemed to tear him completely apart.

"Stop struggling darling, it's alright. Just relax for me." Magnus's soft voice reached him as he was pulled again into a strong chest. He whimpered and clung to him like a small child. His body wouldn't stop shaking as hard as he tried to make it stop. He felt awful and every minute that ticked by seemed to make his panic stronger. He was so afraid of the morning to come and tonight was making him utterly confused. What was the warlock doing? Wasn't he the one who broke things off? Wasn't he the one that said love wasn't enough for them?

"What is going on?" Alec finally wailed as he shut his eyes and tried to make sense of it all. Magnus, seeing that he was finally still, cupped his face with one hand and let their eyes meet. This gaze was full of love that the last one lacked. The gaze that Alec saw matched the one in his memories of when things were nearly perfect. His breaths came in gasps but he couldn't just stay silent now that Magnus was here with him, holding him like nothing had ever changed. "You told me love wasn't enough. You told me to leave. You left me and now you're holding me. I don't understand what you're trying to do to me."

"Alexander, did you really expect me to just do nothing while you were having one of the worst attacks I've seen from you? I couldn't let you suffer. You know I love you-" Alec shoved weakly at him and managed to at least sit a few inches back.

"No! Stop messing with my head! You can't just tell me you love me and leave! I can't handle it! I know you're angry with me, hell I'm angry with me for being so stupid. But everything with you feels so overwhelming and I don't know how to handle any of it! I don't know how to handle being one of a dozen when you are the only one for me. I don't know how to handle this crazy jealousy. I don't know how to handle the fact that you're going to live forever and have to watch me get old. I don't know how to handle it and I'm sorry but I'm new at this damn it!" Alec was crying again and knew he was working himself up all over again but didn't much care. The long weeks had led him to wanting answers, no matter what the cost. He began to hyperventilate and Magnus hugged him close again while running a hand over his back.

"Deep breaths love, take some deep breaths for me please. You're going to make yourself sick this way. Alec please just calm down some." Alec knew that the warlock was right and hated the way he always managed to fall apart in front of the warlock but it helped that Magnus was always willing to comfort him in a way. He did begin to calm down and nuzzled into the warm, familiar neck. He felt Magnus shift to get more comfortable and in turn he laid on his back between the warlock's legs. Magnus started to rub his stomach softly the way he absolutely loved. His stomach was his weakness and it made him positively purr any time someone rubbed it. Alec whined and stretched out more to give the other man better access. Magnus chuckled and kissed the top of his head. Their problems were far from over but in this moment they could at least be forgotten.

"I've missed you." Alec finally whispered into the still air of the early morning. The sun was beginning to rise and bringing with it the day he never wanted to come. The light streamed between the blinds and highlights sections of the canary yellow comforter. It lit on their hands intertwined and made a streak across Magnus's beautiful face. The older man leaned over to brush their lips softly together. The kiss was so soft it was almost like a whisper in the early morning air. Alec felt like this was all a dream and that any second he was going to wake up with things how they were twenty-four hours ago. A nightmare that turned into one of the most pleasant dreams he had had.

"I've missed you as well, darling." Magnus whispered in return as their lips parted. Alec sighed and rested once again against the tan chest.

"Will it really be alright? Everything?" Alec knew it wouldn't, no way it could but he wanted Magnus to promise it anyways. He didn't know what everything meant between them that had happened but they were maybe on the road to getting together again. He knew more than ever that he would do anything to stay in his arms forever.

"I don't break promises Alexander. You will have me and as long as you do everything will be alright." Alec finally felt calm for the first time in twelve hours. Magnus kissed his hair before sliding out of the bed. "Let me get dressed, we need to get going."

The calm was shattered and Alec took a deep breath before getting up as well. They had a half hour to be there and might as well get it over with. The rain from last night had started up again as Alec went to peer out the window by the couch. The view was far from spectacular, it often showed a bill board showing advertisements for performance enhancement drugs. Magnus had kissed him for the first time against this window all those months ago. They had been laughing about the view and Magnus had been telling him all about the different ads that had been up on the hidden board facing the alley. Alec had turned to face him and the air between them had crackled with what seemed like fire. He had gotten lost in the green eyes mixed with a soft gold before Magnus had brought him closer to bring their lips together. It had been amazing and toe curling as far as first kisses went. Alec had never been kissed before that moment and he seemed to get drunk off of it...

"Are you alright?" Alec was brought back to the present by Magnus standing by the counters in the kitchen and peering at him with concern and some bemusement. He smiled sheepishly and ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about our first kiss." Alec's voice was soft, unsure of whether he should be bringing up good memories when their relationship was so rocky. The warlock gave a small smile and held out his hand.

"It was a good first kiss." Alec took the proffered hand and they made their way out into the early morning air. He never normally held Magnus's hand out in public unless it was dark out but today he needed the support the hand brought with it. Neither of them spoke as they wound through the busy streets of New York in the morning.

Alec felt himself shaking as they made their way closer to where the silent city stood. Magnus tightened his grip in assurance and Alec swallowed hard. This was it, the final moments of being a shadowhunter. This was the end of a lot, and maybe the beginning of some things too. He had thought a lot about things inbetween when Magnus had went to his room and his panic had set in. Maybe this would be good, it would certainly open some doors for the two of them. Alec could perhaps get over a lot of insecurities and Magnus wouldn't feel so locked in a box in the back of Alec's closet. Jace, not one to follow any sort of rules, would likely still speak to him even if it was forbidden. Isabelle would also find a way he was sure, though she'd have to be very careful lest his father find out. He'd have his friends and maybe have Magnus too.

"Alexander," Robert Lightwood's cold voice cut through the still air and all good thoughts vanished from his head as he faced him. "It's time, do leave your warlock outside." Sparks were shooting from Magnus's fingers as their hands parted slowly. Alec didn't know if he could honestly stand on his own. Magnus had supported him with so much and had helped him whenever he had been the least bit unsure.

"Were you even going to tell me?!" As Alec was stepping forward to be escorted into the Silent City a strong angry voice cut through. Jace was storming over to them with Isabelle on his heels. He was dressed in no more than a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans looking exhausted. Izzy was dressed in a relatively modest white dress, a color of mourning. Alec felt a fist clutch at his heart as he saw the two of them. He wouldn't be able to do a damn thing for them anymore. They would be completely on their own, his little siblings. "I'm losing my paratabai and you weren't even going to fucking mention it?"

"Jace, I'm-" Alec started but was cut off when Jace launched himself towards him in a fierce hug. They never did much touching the two of them. At first it was because Jace was so unused to being touched at all in a gentle way thanks to Valentine's upbringing. Then as time went by it was because of Alec's raging crush and the way their skin touching wrecked havoc on his hormones. He clutched his paratabai to him with all he had. Magnus may be his lover but Jace was his best friend and brother. Jace had been there for the lonely nights Magnus had missed. Jace had made him the boy who would have called Magnus at all. Jace was the one to dial the number when his hands had been shaking too much. Jace had been nothing but supportive as long as he had known him. True, some of that suuport had come in a very skewered way such as breaking his phone, but it was support nonetheless.

"You can't do this to him." Jace said fiercely while finally pulling from Alec and shoving the older boy behind him. "Alec is one of the best hunter we have. We can't hold up New York just the two of us. He's just in love, that's all hes' done. He's followed every law to the letter and now you're just going to shove him out. Magnus has proven himself loyal to the Accords and has helped us more than any of us want to admit. I thought you wanted things to change! I thought we were going to make things better! We're supposed to be getting rid of this stupid hatred of downworlders unless they actually do something wrong. We're paratabai, you can't take him away. It's going to completely destroy me as well. Unless you think I deserve to be punished as well?" Robert's eyes were blank as he gazed at the two boys he had raised. Jace had always held a soft spot with the head of the Lightwood household. Jace had been everything his father wished he had been. Jace was stronger and much more fearless. He was a fierce warrior and didn't feel as much. Alec remembered vividly all the afternoons he had been jealous of the other boy as his father would patiently help Jace in the training room with some move or another.

"Alexander is more than aware of the consequences of his actions. He knows that what he is doing is shameful and an abomination to his people He knows that he has long since been undeserving of his Marks. Alexander, inside, now." Alec met Jace's eyes one last time before brushing past him and heading to the Silent City.


	2. Chapter 2

"Alec, it's late, turn out the light already." Alec's eyes were glued to the page and he only hummed in response to the grumbling warlock beside him. Magnus sighed irritably and turned over to face the opposite wall. "If I'm late to my nine o'clock appointment in the morning I'm blaming you. Then you can deal with me being grumpy as hell tomorrow since on top of quitting smoking I'll be exhausted." Alec sighed and tossed an irritated glance over at him.

"I'm not making you stay awake. Just go to sleep, the lamp isn't that bright. It's a good book and I'm not tired." Magnus sighed again and changed tactics by running a hand over Alec's hip.

"I could tire you out." Alec paled and dropped the book completely without even marking the page. Magnus swore and rolled to face the ceiling. There was a lot of fumbling and muttered curses and Alec leaned down to get the book and place it back on the night stand. The light clicked out and some awkward shuffling before all was silent. Alec could just make out the outline of Magnus's face and his green cat eyes gleamed in the darkness. The air was tense and thick with things they still hadn't talked about.

Two weeks ago Alec had changed his entire life by losing his marks and leaving the shadowhunter world. He had been completely broken for a day or so afterwards and naturally he stayed with Magnus. The only problem was they had never lived together before as a couple and now that they weren't a couple it was even more odd. Throw in the fact that Magnus was an absolutely hopeless flirt didn't make things any better. Alec wanted the bed to just swallow him right about now.

"I don't know why I said that. I just...Alexander, I'm sorry." Alec couldn't make himself form a response and tried to feign sleep.

"Maybe I should go sleep in the guest room." Alec heard Magnus sigh as he got out of bed blushing furiously.

"Alec," Magnus called, his voice drifting down the dark hallway to the spare room. Alec sat stiffly on the bed in the sparsely furnished guest room and tried to not freak out about the shivers still running over him from the touch running over his hip. He had been sharing a bed with the warlock for two solid weeks and they had done nothing but watch movies and eat junk food and act like the best of friends. He knew it was likely not very healthy but there was nothing else for it. Beyond a phone call from his siblings he hadn't heard from a single other person. He had no money and no job in the mundane world or a clue to how to get one. He was alone except for Magnus, whom he was still completely still in love with.

"Alec," Magnus's voice was softer as the warlock appeared in the doorway, silhouetted by the light coming from the hall. Alec couldn't bring himself to look at the older man while half hard and wishing he could have his boyfriend back instead of being simply friends. He hated walking on egg shells and being so uncomfortable around someone who knew everything about him. "Hey, look at me." Magnus knelt in front of him and lightly placed his hands on Alec's knees. Alec still avoided his gaze until a gentle hand cupped his cheek and forced their eyes to meet. Alec sucked in a breath and knew he would never find a pair of eyes so breath taking, nor find a man who knew him so very well.

"I should stop relying on you so much. I use you as a teddy bear and a security blanket and every other pathetic thing." Alec felt his throat close over and felt the worrying thoughts come over him. He never dared to think of the future, far too afraid of what it held.

"There's nothing wrong with needing people Alec, it's okay. You're allowed to need people. I don't mind if you need me." Magnus's eyes were earnest and kind. Alec knew he meant every word and somehow it made him more upset. He wanted Magnus back and it hurt every moment they sat here and couldn't truly be together. There would never again be someone like Magnus, there would never be anyone again at all.

"What am I going to do?" Alec whispered into the still air. "What in the hell am I actually going to do?" Magnus sighed and came to sit next to him on the cold bed. Alec felt guilty, knowing Magnus really did need to get up early for a client in the morning. The last thing he should be doing was having meaningful conversations at one in the morning.

"Have you thought about it at all?" Alec shook his head while involuntarily curling into the warmth Magnus always seemed to have. He was perpetually warm to Alec's cold. Magnus smiled fondly and wrapped a tight arm around him. "Well, you have two options as I see it. You can either find some kind of work out there. The second option is, and the one I think would be best for you, is to go to high school."

"Are you serious? Mundane school? I've had tutoring, why on earth would I go to high school for? There is no part of me that would ever want to go to a mundie school." Alec shivered and curled closer still while letting his eyes close. Magnus chuckled and picked him up easily. Alec squeaked and clung tighter to his neck. He would never get used to being carried anywhere. Canary sheets surrounded him once more and he found himself against a familiar warlock with a hand softly rubbing his stomach. He sighed and decided just to enjoy it for the moment, even if it would torture him later.

"High school could be fun for you. You could join a club and get some friends. You could just see what being a mundane is like. Mundanes can be extraordinary too y'know. They're not truly mundane, it's actually an awful term for them."

"Shaddup," Alec mumbled as he drifted off to sleep. "Now you're just trying to make me feel better. I am going to absolutely hate being a mundane. Maybe I should be a stripper instead. They make good money and I wouldn't need to go to any stupid high school." Magnus laughed while settling his head over Alec's heart.

"While you have the body darling, I just can't see you being a stripper." Alec felt sleep take him before he could manage any sort of reply.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec felt nerves unlike anything he had ever known. Today he was to begin high school and while that may be trivial to most people it was terrifying for Alec. He had no idea of how to live as a mundane. He never watched movies or used the internet. His phone was about eight years outdated. He didn't know any popular references. He was going to be absolutely hopeless he just knew it. Magnus wanted him to make friends and integrate but at the same time he knew that was more than a little impossible. He had about ten years to catch up on. He had been so dedicated to hunting demons that pop culture took a back seat by a large margin. He only hung out in Downwrolder bars and clubs. He only went to one restaurant with his siblings and hardly went anywhere else.

"Relax, Alec, it's going to be fine. I made you breakfast." Magnus grinned as he set a plate of pancakes in front of the younger man. Alec felt absolutely sick and had no idea how he was going to force the sugary meal in front of him down his throat. He swallowed hard and noted that Magnus was already dressed and made up to perfection.

"Are you going somewhere?" Magnus paused and looked at him briefly before joining him with his own plate.

"I do have a few clients. I should be around later this evening. Time still ticks on darling no matter what happens." Alec picked at his food and pushed it around more than ate any of it. Magnus sighed and put a cool hand on top of his to pause his ministrations of destroying his breakfast. "Please relax, you'll do brilliantly. Just be yourself Alec. This is your true chance to really reinvent yourself. You always told me that you hated hiding and pretending so this time just be yourself."

"I'm going to be late. I promised Jace and Iz I'd stop by and see them at Taki's before I head to school. I'll see you later." Magnus squeezed his hand as he rose and scraped off his still full plate. Alec picked up his bag and headed out the door to his new life.

Taki's was busy as usual with people getting their coffee and catching up with friends. Alec maneuvered his way through the crowd to get to the back table the three of them occupied more often than not. He felt marginally better after seeing Jace and Izzy together and laughing as usual. He felt almost as if nothing at all had changed, that is until he sat down and noticed that his siblings looked different completely. He couldn't see one mark on either one of them. For an instant he thought that Robert had gone completely insane and stripped all three of them before he realized that they must be using glamors and since he was no longer a shadowhunter he could no longer see them. The realization seems to only tighten the knot already present. He bit his lip hard and tried not to get any more upset than he already was.

"Alec!" Izzy stood and reached out to pull him into a tight embrace. Alec breathed in her familiar scent and it did nothing to ease the knots in his stomach. It was as if he was seeing a crooked painting on the wall. Everything was mostly normal and yet just something was very off. He swallowed hard and released his sister and clapped Jace on the shoulder.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Jace was squinting at him as though he had a third head.

"Are you wearing a polo shirt? A blue polo shirt no less? What has that warlock done to you?" Alec flushed and ran a finger along the collar. Isabelle smirked as she leaned back in her seat and sipped her coffee.

"I just wanted to look nice. I don't want to be a freak my first day. Magnus said it'd look nice. I figured he'd know." Jace let out a loud laugh and threw his head back. Alec kicked him under the table and slouched even more.

"Have you been alright? We would have met you earlier but Dad only just left." Isabelle looked as if the sentence pained her a little and if Alec didn't know her so well he never would have noticed. He took another deep breath and glanced out the shop window.

"Yeah it's been okay. Sharing an apartment with your ex is impossibly difficult but we're making it work I guess. Part of me has been so distracted that it hasn't bothered me too much. Now there is this school thing to deal with."

"I still can't believe you're going to mundie school." Jace snickered. Alec noticed his sister seemed more contemplative than usual. Her gaze seemed far away and sad.

"When you say left, how do you mean?" Isabelle bit her lip and Jace glanced at her before refocusing on Alec. Neither of them seemed to want to tell him the truth and it was the only thing Alec had going these days.

"Well, Dad is gone. He left Mom for good. The divorce went through." Isabelle explained while sucking in a huge breath and letting it out slowly. Alec closed his eyes and tried to process his parents apart. He knew they had major issues in their marriage and they fought more often than not when they were home but he still wanted them together. He knew it must kill his sister to have the house more empty than ever. His parents never recovered from Max's death, and neither had the rest of them to be honest.

"Iz, are you okay?" She waved a hand and took a long sip out of her cup.

"Don't you worry about me. You're the one who has major things to deal with. It wasn't like Dad was home all that much anyways. I'll be fine." Alec sighed and leaned forwards.

"Don't play that with me, I know you're far from fine. Iz-" A knock on the large window made the three spin around and Isabelle dropped her cup altogether. Simon Lewis stood waving at the three of them with Clary by his side.

"What the hell is Simon doing here?" Izzy squeaked as she hastily picked up the cup and threw it in a bin nearby. If Alec wasn't mistaken her cheeks were rather pink. It was a next to never occurrence that Izzy blushed about anything.

"I thought you'd be happy to see him?" Jace barked out a laugh again while tossing some bills on the table and standing.

"Izzy doesn't know how to actually have a boyfriend. She just likes her flings." Izzy smacked him as they headed outside to meet the two onlookers. Clary looked a tad awkward while Simon had his backpack slung over one shoulder and a grin a mile wide.

"Hey Simon, Clary." Alec greeted warily. He was never close with Simon but seeing as they were going to school together and that Simon would be the only soul he would truly know he better get comfortable fast. "Ready to go?"

"I am when you are. Do you have a schedule yet?" Alec nodded and dug around until he found the paper he had folded and unfolded dozens of times. He handed it over to Simon while Izzy and Jace still gaped.

"You're going to school now?" Izzy asked while hanging back. Simon flicked his gaze over to her and while he tried to hide the utter adoration Alec saw it for a moment before Simon bent to fiddle with a shoe string.

"Well, I figure I can still pass for a junior for now so I might as well finish high school. It's not like vampires have any other big plans. It probably won't work out but I'm going to try. Besides, Alec could use some sort of familiar face in that place. It's hell even if you know what you're doing. C'mon we should get there early so I can show you around. See you around!" Alec gulped and half heartedly waved as he followed Simon down the sidewalk towards the one place he honestly never thought he would be.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"Fuck," Magnus swore as he silenced the third call from Alec. He could only hope it wasn't an emergency because he really couldn't answer the phone right now. The worst part is he wanted to be done with this particular client an hour ago, but people don't listen which makes things more and more complicated. He had carefully explained that all he could provide was a one night stand, anything more than that is all on them. Then they called a week later confused as to why the potion wasn't working and wondering why the person wasn't hanging onto their every word. He chewed his lip and wondered if there was a way he could excuse himself just long enough to call Alec back. He knew nothing got Alec more upset than an ignored phone call.

"Look," The older woman shut her mouth when Magnus finally interrupted her rant. "I tried to tell you that the potion wouldn't create anything close to love. If he doesn't love you then for the love of God get over it and move on. Nothing looks worse than someone pining. I will not make you another one without payment. I do not owe you anything. I have a business to run." Magnus nodded his head to her before booking it out the door. He might not get calls from many werewolves for a bit after talking to her that way. He tried for as much patience as possible with his customers but sometimes things just have to be said. As Magnus reached the corner he froze as to just why exactly he had been so unbelievably rude to her. The minute Alec had started to call he had an urge to leave. As soon as his name registered Magnus got impatient. Normally this was fine and perfectly normal but it wasn't because _they weren't together_.

Magnus swore once more and tried to ignore his vibrating phone. Alec probably just wanted to tell him about how much he couldn't stand mundanes or something. It wasn't as if he was in imminent danger anymore now that he wasn't chasing demons. He couldn't keep on dropping everything when Alec wanted to talk or was upset. It just wasn't normal. He couldn't count the number of times he wanted to talk to Catarina but she had better things to do. If he kept on catering to the younger man then Alec would get the wrong idea and that wouldn't do. He couldn't let Alec get that close. They had broken up and while it hurt like hell by the time Alec's time was up it may just be a bearable burn like Will and Camille and everyone else he had lost. He had watched Tessa go through it and he knew perfectly well he wasn't cut out for it. He would never survive losing Alec, never.

The phone started again and Magnus couldn't resist answering it anymore. It was the fifth time Alec had called and while it still could be just that he wanted to talk, Magnus thought that something might be wrong.

"Alexander, you're certainly eager-" Magnus broke off as the sound of harsh breathing came over the line and it killed any teasing he carried.

"Come get me." The single sentence was haggard and Magnus could tell Alec was trying very hard not to cry. His heart constricted and every thought of being cold left immediately.

"It's only 2, what happened?" A sniff followed and Magnus felt his heart nearly break.

"Just come get me, okay? I can't be here anymore, I just can't. Please Magnus..." Magnus clicked the button to unlock his car, which was purple that day. He climbed in and started the ignition.

"I'll be there in ten minutes darling." A click was the only response he got and Magnus bit his lip as he sped through traffic. Whatever this was about, it wasn't good.

He pulled up in front of the large high school and saw Alec sitting in the rain staring at the ground. His bag was at his feet and his shoulders slumped. The minute the car stopped Alec rose and shuffled over to the car. He all but collapsed in the seat and curled up as small as he possibly could. Magnus tried not to be alarmed but he had never seen this behavior from Alec. He had seen him upset of course, during their relationship there had been more than their fair share of things to be upset about. He had never seen the younger man completely shut down. Alec was curled in the seat with his head facing the windows. Magnus wanted to touch him but wasn't sure if that would even be okay.

Alec bolted up the to the apartment when Magnus smoothly stopped the car. Magnus quickly caught up with him and managed to get a foot in the bedroom door before Alec slammed it shut. Alec huffed but simply stripped off his clothes and got into bed. Magnus didn't hesitate to crawl behind him and lay a hand on his shaking back. Alec was silently and violently sobbing. They shook his entire body and Magnus didn't know how to begin to help.

"It's okay baby, just talk to me. Alec, what happened?" Magnus began to rub the younger man;s back but felt rather useless as the sobs didn't lessen or fade in the slightest. It seemed that the young man couldn't calm down if he wanted to. Magnus hauled him to a sitting position and held him as close as he could. He knew very well this couldn't be easy for Alec in any way. He had been coping very well overall. It was hard to lose your family so young and be thrust out on your own. It didn't help they weren't exactly back together and Magnus was sure Alec was very confused about a lot of things. Their relationship just seemed to get more and more complicated as time went on. Alec probably had to resent him at least a little. If Magnus hadn't walked into his life then Alec wouldn't be in this mess.

"I-" Alec gasped as tears still streamed down his face. "I c-can't stop crying. Angel, Magnus, help me. Sedate me or something. What the h-hell is wrong with me?" Magnus fought the chuckle that rose in his throat and thought hard about what to do. He took Alec by the shoulders and looked at him carefully. His eyes were a watery, light blue and his face was flushed from his tears. He looked so utterly sad and Magnus knew of only one thing that always used to bring a smile to his face.

Magnus pressed their lips together softly and firmly. Alec gasped in surprise and Magnus felt as if he had truly died and gone somewhere he knew he never could get to. It had been two months since he had last captured Alec's lips with his own and doing it now felt only like coming home. The familiar warmth that spread over him made him melt into the younger man and he brought him to lie on his chest as he laid back on the bed. He kept the kisses short and sweet until gradually Alec's breathing returned mostly to normal and the tears had stopped for the most part. Alec hovered over him and Magnus brought his palms up to wipe any remaining tears off of his pale face. Alec's eyes were bright as he looked at him with confusion and lust mixed into one.

"God, that was awful." Magnus smiled slightly and ran a hand through his beautiful black hair. He knew that he really shouldn't let the two of them end up in the same situation time and again when they weren't in a relationship but it had been proven that when Alec was upset Magnus couldn't help but comfort him in any way he could.

"Are you alright? Do you want to tell me what happened?" Alec took a deep breath and dropped his gaze.

"School was awful. I felt so out of place. Then when I finally talked to people I ended up making it bloody obvious I didn't like girls. That just made it all worse really. They were talking about some gorgeous girl sitting in front of us and all I did was wrinkle my nose and then they all just knew. Then P.E. Came and I had no idea what to do and the locker rooms were awful. Some guys started shoving me and calling me this little fag and it was awful. I tried not to let it get to me and went to go change when I saw a fucking spider of all things and it just made me completely lose it. I hate spiders and that was the last thing I needed. After all day feeling like a freak and so left out. I don't know what the hell is going on in half of my classes. I stopped doing any of that stuff after about fifteen." Alec took a shuddering breath and a few stray tears slowly dripped down his cheeks. Magnus made a sympathetic noise and continued stroking his hair. Alec laid his head down and sniffled while nuzzling into his chest. The ache in his chest that he had managed to keep to a minimum roared to full strength again.

"We've got to stop ending up like this." Alec said softly against Magnus's skin. The chuckle did emerge loudly from the warlock that time and Alec could only chime in. The sound of their laughter filled the room and everything was bearable for one more night.

MbaLMBALMBALMBAL

The insistent pounding on the door made Alec groan in frustration. He had finally gotten focused on the mountain of homework he had for the weekend and then he was forced to get up because it appeared Magnus had disappeared. He had had the worst week of his life and he had just wanted to get this damned homework out of the way before being able to just enjoy being away from the idiots he was forced to go to school with. Although it surprised Magnus to no end Alec had gone back to school after his disastrous first day.

He had woken up to sore eyes and a bit of a headache. After a quick shower he had shuffled into the kitchen which had a much more usual setting than the morning before. Magnus was slumped at the kitchen table still half awake while sipping on coffee and reading papers scattered across the table. Alec sighed and poured a mug of coffee before sitting down lightly. Magnus only noticed the young man when Alec had shoved some papers aside to make room for the crossword of the newspaper. Magnus blinked in surprise and quickly helped make the kitchen table a sharable space.

"I thought you'd be sleeping for a while yet. You didn't have the nicest of days yesterday." Alec raised an eyebrow and glanced up from pondering seven down.

"Well, school starts at seven thirty, I couldn't sleep in much more without missing my coffee. Missing coffee would only make a bad day worse. I agreed to meet Simon by Taki's again so at least I'll have decent conversation for ten minutes or so."

"You're going back to school?" Alec frowned and downed the last of the coffee.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"After yesterday I just assumed that you kinda thought the whole thing was a moot point. I figured we would be coming up with plan B today." Alec shrugged and picked up his bag to sling it over his shoulder.

"What choice do I have? I need to at least get a stupid diploma to do anything. What else would I do?" Magnus stood and came around the table to kiss the younger man on the forehead.

"I'm proud of you. Go kick some mundane ass, hm?" Alec frowned again and adjusted the strap of his bag.

"So you think you're just going to kiss me and cuddle me but not actually be my boyfriend? Is that how this is going to go? You just tell me you love me but that it doesn't change anything?" Magnus didn't have a reply causing Alec to shake his head again.

"Whatever, I'm going off to play with mundanes. See you later I guess."

School hadn't gotten any easier but Alec couldn't let it bother him. He had met a few other kids who didn't think he was a complete freak and even a few who shared his preferences. P.E wasn't any easier by any means and half his classes were still the most confusing things he had ever encountered. Most of his classmates were ignorant idiots but he had Simon and a few others. He'd get through this if it killed him.

"I'm coming!" He yelled at the person who insisted on still making a dent in their front door. He swung it open to reveal Catarina of all people. She was Magnus's best friend and they had met a couple of times but Alec just didn't have the patience to deal with people he didn't know right then. He left her standing at the door and trudged back to the table. "MAGNUS!"

"Alec, Jesus, I was trying to measure out witchroot and then you had to go had shout like the fucking world was-" Magnus broke off as he came out of his office and lit up when he saw it was one of his best friends.

"Sure, be happy when she's here." Alec muttered. He could nearly feel Magnus toss a glare his way for that comment but he couldn't bring himself to care. The two started chatting eagerly and Alec mostly tuned them out except for the loud peals of laughter that carried through the room. He rubbed his forehead and did his best not to lose his patience. "Can you two go somewhere else? I'm trying to learn this crap." Magnus sighed but pulled Catarina out of the patio obediently, knowing very well how touchy Alec was these days.

"What in heaven's name is wrong with him?" Catarina asked as they were settled finally in comfy chairs on the balcony. "I know that I don't know him well but he was much friendlier last time. Are you two alright?"

"If you want the truth, not really. We're not dating but we're living together and that causes all sorts of problems." Catarina gaped briefly before smacking the warlock upside the head promptly.

"Well no wonder he's frustrated! Why is he living with you then? No, better question is why the hell haven't you made up with him? We talked weeks ago and you admitted you were still completely crazy about him and we talked through what he did. I thought you'd fixed things ages ago! What happened?"

"He lost his marks, Cat." Catarina gaped and raised a hand to her mouth in horror.

"Oh that poor boy. What is he doing? Anything?" Magnus shook his head and chuckled wryly.

"He's going to high school and hating every minute of it. He's so sad and miserable. He's been crying himself to sleep more often than not. I don't know what to do for him. I can't make any of this better." Catarina shook her head and leaned forward to look intensely at her best friend.

"Magnus, that boy gave up his whole world for you. How can you sit here and not be with him again? You haven't been as happy as you were since you broke it off. You're crazy about him and he loves you but yet you sit here apart. You know how short your time is with him Mags, why would you waste time?"

"That's exactly it! I don't know if I can be with someone mortal. Rather, I don't know if I can be with him when he's mortal. I can't do what Tessa did. I just can't do it. The break up was hard enough and we weren't even together that long. I could never imagine losing him after a few decades. I've never been so completely in love with someone in my life. He's everything I've ever wanted."

"Then would you go in there and get him already? Magnus you're living now. Your life is happening and you're just waiting for it to pass. You're torturing that boy for no reason at all and you don't need to. Just go be happy Magnus. Yes it will be awful in a few decades from now but you have fifty years at least to make memories with the love of your life. That's something isn't it?' Magnus bit his lip and nodded thoughtfully. He didn't want to admit it but she had a very good point. He ran a hand through his hair and stood. Cat followed his actions with a smile.

"Alright, if this goes badly I blame you."

"Go get your guy Magnus, you deserve it." He waved her off and went inside, fully intending to find Alec and make all right again.

He entered the bedroom to find Alec dressed in front of the mirror and ready to leave. He had black pants on, ones that he'd never worn before in his life. Magnus could almost bet they were his altogether. On the top he wore a red top that clung to him in all the right ways. He stood speechless, quite unaware Alec even knew how to dress this way, let alone that he actually would.

"Going out?" Magnus asked as he leaned in the doorway. Alec jumped and a blush spread all along his face. He looked at the floor and tugged at his shirt.

"Justin invited some of us out to this club. Do I look alright?" Magnus felt his words like a punch to the gut and didn't know how to express his immense displeasure at Alec leaving on his own.

"What club? You're just going out on your own? And you're wearing that?" Alec frowned and his blue eyes snapped up to meet green.

"What is it to you? I have to stay home all the time? And, forgive me if I'm wrong, do I detect jealousy? Seriously? You're going to dump me and then tell me I can't be with anyone else?" Alec shook his head and pushed past Magnus to the living room. Magnus followed on his heels while watching all his plans unravel.

"It's not like when you were a shadowhunter. It's dangerous on the streets at night. You're vulnerable now Alexander and I don't know if you should be going out with boys you hardly know." Alec whirled on him after collecting his phone and keys.

"No, you don't get to act all concerned about me. I am not going to sit here and pine over you. I'm working on how to move out anyways. This is ridiculous. You can't just flirt with me and touch me and kiss me while saying we're broken up. It's not fair to either of us. And don't you dare call me vulnerable ever again. I'm going to go out and live my life. Right now that means going out to a club and having a damn good time. Don't wait up for me." The door slammed behind him and Magnus, seething, grabbed his wallet as well. He wasn't about to let Alec out alone. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. And Magnus wasn't about to let him go so easily. He was getting his boyfriend back tonight, no matter what it took.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay hello everyone! Firstly thank you for everyone who has followed, favorited and reviewed! You guys are amazing. Next I have to let you know of some warnings. There will be some sex of the non consensual sort. Nothing is in too much detail and it's a very short little thing. It has been mentioned that I may be laying on the hurt/comfort a little thick to the point of making our Alec a tad OOC and for that I'm truly sorry. I can only justify it as he has had too much to deal with and it's breaking him apart. This is the last time I'm going to torture our boy and things will take an upturn I promise. I think this will be the last chapter Malec will be apart so please stick with me. I know you want to get to the fluff and it will come! **

Alec took a deep breath nervously as he downed another shot from the cute bartender who would serve them under the table. The night was going well and Alec was actually having a great time. Justin was fun to be around and knew the staff well. Alec felt included for the first time in weeks and it felt nice. Magnus wasn't here which made him nervous and relieved all at once. On the one hand he had never gone out without Magnus having a hand on his lower back to guide him, but on the other it was nice to have a break from the constant barrage of emotions that came from having your gorgeous ex feet away from you.

The last call sounded and everyone swarmed to get in one more song before leaving. Alec let the group of boys herd him back onto the dance floor. A heavy beat sounded through the air making the floor vibrate under his feet. His head was starting to spin from the alcohol in his system and he was ready to go home and collapse. He was exhausted in the best way and was happy he had a night full of good memories.

"Come home with me gorgeous?" A voice murmured in his ear as slim arms came around his waist. Alec blushed and turned to face a man that was a bit older than them. Justin had introduced them earlier. His name was Zach and he went to a local university. He had seemed nice enough and had bought Alec a few drinks throughout the night. He opened his mouth to decline somehow when a tongue found it's way in his mouth instead. Alec made a noise of surprise but felt sensations sweep over him so suddenly it was all he could do to kiss the man back. In the back of his mind a niggling presence reminded him of how wrong this all felt but at the same time he couldn't seem to drag himself away. The kiss was intoxicating and it made him tingle in ways he never thought he would again. Their hips ground together and Alec felt himself getting aroused. It was more than a little strange to get aroused from another man but Zach proved to be just as talented as his ex.

Alec broke away gasping for air. He twined his arms around Zach's neck for balance even as it felt as if a hundred daggers were shooting through him. He needed to stop obsessing over the warlock who made it clear they would never be together in that way again. Magnus was his ex-boyfriend. He had to accept that. Zach was here and made him feel wanted. Maybe another guy could make him feel as good as Magnus did. Maybe there was a future for him where he wasn't tormented with heartbreak after all.

A hand led him outside and Alec stumbled along, too lost in his thoughts to remember getting out of that madhouse. Around them people were pouring out into the street and making their way to the parking lot across the street. Alec began to look around for the guys that brought him but before he could take a step that direction he was shuffled into an alley and pressed against the wall. Zach had his lips on him and while it made fire come alive in his veins it also made him distinctly uncomfortable. He hated doing things in public, ever. He never let Magnus have more than a peck in front of anyone. The alcohol made his head spin and he couldn't get his bearings well enough to push the other man away. Zach seemed to realize this as their eyes met. The smirk that crept on his face made cold fear creep into his stomach. His breathing quickened and as his body betrayed him he silently begged someone to find them.

He felt a hand unbutton his jeans and he whined in the back of his throat. His body began shivering as the cold air reached his bare skin. His limbs felt like lead and he didn't know what to do. He knew this was going nowhere he wanted it to but he was too scared and out of it to do anything. He squirmed but a hand held him firmly against wall.

"What a slut you are," Zach whispered in his ear. "Nothing underneath, just the way I like it. Your last boyfriend taught you well." At the mention of Magnus Alec found himself fighting tears. He wanted Magnus here now and he knew the warlock was probably asleep in his cozy loft. He had hurt Magnus beyond belief and had probably made him leave him alone. He had been cold and uncaring. He had told Magnus to stop and the one time the warlock listened was the one time he needed him to ignore everything he said.

A hand pried his legs apart and Alec heard a second zipper being undone. His breathing became erratic and his head swam more and he felt as if he were about to fall over. A finger was pushed roughly inside of him and made him cry out. He had never been penetrated without lube before and the burn was nearly unbearable. The finger worked in him roughly until a second one was added making him feel like he was being torn from the inside out. The hand on his barely hard cock was too tight and rough to bring him any pleasure.

"Ah, stop!" Alec slurred as the tears finally poured down his face. He felt as if he had cried more in the past month than he ever had before in his life. Zach only chuckled and bit his neck.

"You'll get used to it. Bottoms should learn to go without lube, makes everything more convenient. Besides, you were plenty interested inside. It's not nice to be a tease. Take it like a good little bitch now, it'll make everything easier." Alec cried out as the fingers were yanked out of him and his legs spread further apart. He began to struggle as much as he could with the world tipping every which way every few minutes.

"It hurts! God, stop! Get off of me! Magnus!" Alec called his name even though he knew there was no hope of him anywhere near by. Zach shoved into him and began thrusting without a second thought. A sharp slap to his face made his vision focus on a pair cold green eyes, so unlike the warm ones he loved.

"Someone should teach you better manners. Calling your ex's name during sex won't win you any points. For that I think I should definitely punish you. You deserve it after all the trouble you've caused." Alec sobbed and whined loudly as his body was further torn and abused.

"WHAT THE HELL?! GET YOUR FILTY HANDS THE FUCK OFF OF HIM!" Alec fell to the ground as Zach was hauled off of him roughly. He curled in a ball and cried as pain tore through him. His pants were down around his ankles but he couldn't bring himself to move. His face was red from embarrassment and shame from being found like this. He wanted to die, just cease to exist. He felt completely dirty and used like an old napkin.

"Alec! Oh god, Alec are you okay?" Boots skidded in front of him on the loose gravel and hands were cupping his face. Alec whined and moved away from any sort of touch. He couldn't stand to have hands on him again. The hands tried to touch his shoulders and once again Alec winced and could only cry out since he could hardly move

"Don't touch me! Please, stop touching me!"

"Darling, Alec, look at me. It's me, it's Magnus. Can you get up?" The haze wore off as Alec shook his head and finally looked up. Magnus's face shone in the moonlight and the worried look on his face made Alec feel as if everything might be okay. He took a deep breath and slowly managed to stand using the wall behind him. Magnus reached out to help him but Alec flinched away from him and managed on his own, wincing as fabric slid over tender skin. His knees shook and he could barely stand. His breathing was erratic and it was making his chest burn uncomfortably.

"Did you drive?" Magnus shook his head and once again tried to place an arm around his waist. Alec shoved him away and determinedly pushed off the wall. Every muscle hurt as he got off the wall and slowly started walking towards the street. "Get a cab then, would you?" Magnus cast him another worried look before quickly hailing a cab. He had no idea how he was about to make it home but only knew no one was going to touch him anywhere for a good, long while.

MBALMBALMBAL

Magnus stared at the ceiling and watched the light slowly filling the room. It had been the worst night of his life in a way he would never have expected. He had followed Alec to the club, just intending to make sure he stayed out of trouble. It hurt to see Alec dance with other men but he understood. He had been unintentionally playing with Alec's feelings for weeks now. He wanted to keep him close but not too close. It wasn't fair.

Seeing Alec hurt like that felt like someone had just stabbed him repeatedly. The broken crying went straight to his heart. He had no way to make Alec feel better, none at all. Nothing would take away the memories and his injuries were the sort he couldn't heal. Alec wouldn't let him lay a hand on him and there was nothing he could say. Alec had been miserable for weeks over everything that had happened. From Robert disowning him and making him a mundane to pointless bullying and crippling confusion at school. Then on top of it their relationship being confusing and awkward. He felt like an utter failure for not being able to help. He hated being Alec upset more than anything else. He had been moody, jumping between anger and sadness rapidly. He needed a better support system than a jaded warlock and a vampire.

As the alarm went off as it did every morning Magnus rolled out of bed at last. Alec hadn't been in bed long once they had gotten home. He had gotten up around an hour after he had laid down and gotten in the shower. The shower had lasted a good hour and since then all had been quiet. Magnus didn't want to leave him to dwell but honestly, what else could he do? He petted Chairman who would around his ankles in greeting and made his way to the main room. Alec sat in an armchair curled up with a mug held loosely in his hands. His gaze was vacant as he stared out the windows on to the busy street below. He looked pale and drawn with bags under beautiful blue eyes. He didn't so much as look in the warlock's direction as Magnus started a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen and fed Chairman some food.

Magnus bit his lip and scratched the back of his neck as he made his way to the living room and sat gently on the couch. Alec still hadn't moved a muscle and it worried the warlock a great deal.

"How are you feeling?" Magnus winced internally at the stupid, baseless question but it was all he could think of. Alec didn't answer or acknowledge he had heard anything. "Alec, please, can I get you anything? Have you gotten any sleep? Talk to me, please just say something."

"I'm seeing Izzy in an hour, she said she wants to talk. She's lonely and wants to talk. We're going out for lunch."

"You don't have to go anywhere you don't want. You can just tell her-" Alec finally looked at him with blue eyes lacking their usual spark and warmth. He uncurled from the chair with a noticeable wince crossing over his face.

"I'm not lying to my sister. She's the only family I have left. It'll beat sitting here and thinking about him touching me. I've taken three showers and nothing's helped." As he moved to stand Magnus caught sight of the raw skin on his arms and hands. The skin was sore and pink from the rough scrub down that had happened. Magnus closed his eyes in horror and sympathy. He heard Alec stiffly shuffle into the kitchen. Magnus followed him and caused Alec to stop short in the doorway, making a bit of coffee spill over his pink hands. They looked at each other, both breathing hard and not knowing what to say. Magnus had a guess or two of what was going on in the young man's mind and he knew that those thoughts would likely be very destructive.

"Last night wasn't your fault." Alec snorted and looked down at his feet while biting his lip. Magnus sighed and slowly sank down to the floor in the kitchen. Alec gave him an odd look before shrugging and slowly joining him.

"Yeah because it wasn't my own fault that I went out drinking and started making out with some guy I didn't know. I was an idiot last night. I probably shouldn't have gone at all." Magnus shook his head while leaning forwards earnestly, resting his elbows on his knees.

"No, Alec," Magnus saw Alec shake his head and caught his chin firmly in his hand. Alec gulped and his breathing quickened slightly. Magnus caught his gaze firmly, knowing he couldn't let the young man leave until he understood. "Alexander nothing about last night was your fault. I don't care if you had gotten so drunk you decided to strip naked and dance on tables in front of that sick bastard. Nothing warranted what he did. Nothing you did or said, didn't do or didn't say, could warrant him hurting you like that. What he did was wrong on every level and if you want to press charges we can certainly do that." Alec squirmed away to shake his head again and make eye contact with the stain underneath their little table in the corner.

"No, I just want it to have never happened at all. I've never been that scared in my entire life. I've never been that useless either." Another self-deprecating snort left Alec and Magnus wanted to shake him and make him understand just who was at fault for last night.

"It wasn't your fault. He took advantage of his age and your inexperience. He was stronger than you darling and much taller." Alec shook his head and Magnus saw him wipe a tear off his cheek. He knew very well Alec wouldn't let him touch him but wanted to more than ever before.

"What are we doing Magnus? We can't live like this. I can't get over you if you still give me butterflies every time I see you. You call me pet names and I run into your arms every chance I get." Another flow of tears slipped down Alec's red cheeks and again he brushed them away impatiently. "The only reason I went out last night at all is because I was angry with you. I was jealous you were happier to see Catarina than you'd been to see me all week. I was frustrated by how much I still wanted you. I was angry at absolutely everything about my life so I went out and got drunk."

"Are you saying you blame me for last night?" Magnus couldn't get the words out past a horrified whisper. Alec ran a hand through his hair roughly and gripped the ends.

"I'm saying that you and I are slowly destroying each other. You can't think or do anything if I call you. I can't deal with anything on my own anymore. We depend on each other too much. You're my ex Magnus. I haven't had a lot of experience with dating but I've heard it's next to impossible to be friends with your es. I can't sit next to you on the couch without resting my head on your lap or on your shoulder. I can't lie next to you in bed without cuddling up to you in my sleep. I can't live with you and just pretend I'm okay that you're pushing me away and yanking me closer all at once. Are you going to tell me you honestly feel like we can be friends?" Magnus was silent and felt tears of his own start brewing at the corner of his eyes. He couldn't swallow properly and his chest felt like someone was squeezing it too tightly.

"I haven't been completely honest with you." Magnus tried to hide the fact that he was crying by discreetly wiping his tears. "The reason I pushed you away was because I was scared. Alec, I love you more than I've loved anyone. You're right in the fact that when you call I drop absolutely everything. I don't do that for anyone I can ever think of. I've been afraid to lose you. I was afraid I couldn't handle it." Magnus let the tears run this time and as he picked up Alec's hand gingerly in his own. Alec's breath caught and though he tensed he didn't pull away. "I've learned that it's not worth it. It's not worth pushing you away. I want every minute I can have with you. I'm irrevocably in love with you and I want forever. No matter how long or short our forever is."

"You would say this now wouldn't you?" Alec's tears had begun in earnest and he still wouldn't meet the warlock's gaze. Magnus was quiet to let him continue but he couldn't help the pit of dread that had settled. "Right now Magnus, I don't know anything. I can't even stomach the thought of anyone touching me. I feel like a tossed out napkin. My life has been completely torn apart. More importantly you are still you and I, well some parts of me will never change. I don't know if I can deal with not knowing anything about you before we met. I wonder about it all the time. To love someone is so intimate, more intimate than I had ever thought. I want to know every inch of you. I want to be able to read you. I want to know what makes your tick and what makes you angry. I want to know what triggers certain memories. Like the way you know if there's ever a dead kid in a movie you hold me extra tight because I'll be thinking of Max. Or the way you know that any spider movie I will not watch at all. You know what turns me on and what doesn't. You know what music will put me in the best mood. I don't feel like I know any of these things about you. I feel like – well right now I have no idea how I feel. I don't think right now is a good time for us Mags. I think I'm way too broken."

"You're never too broken for me. I can help. Whatever you need to do, or say, or feel I'm here." Alec shook his head.

"You told me you'd help me in any way right?"

"Of course." Magnus squeezed the smaller hand in his and tried not to feel too disappointed.

"Will you help me buy an apartment? I want to move out. I can't take living here anymore. You've been great but I think I need some space." Magnus sat in shock and let Alec's hand fall from his. He felt like he couldn't breathe all of a sudden.

"You want me to help you leave? I can't just help you walk out of my life. Alexander, please, I know I've been stupid and stubborn. I know things aren't easy." Alec stood and headed for the bathroom.

"I'm going to see Izzy, I'm sorry Magnus." Magnus leaned his head back against the counter as he listened to Alec walk away from him and begin to get ready. Fate was cruel to them. The minute Magnus got over his problems Alec had a mountain of his own to climb. Magnus understood where Alec was coming from, or at least he was trying. Would they ever find a way to be together? Were they just too broken to fix?

**Okay well that hurt, I know it did. And I'm sure some of you are frustrated but all in due time. Next we get some sibling bonding, which is a bit overdue I know. Thank you for all the support and please review if you have anything to say! Next chapter should be up soon! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again! Sorry about a slightly longer wait. This is the week of endurance for me at work. Also for some reason I had trouble writing Izzy and Alec. But after a bit of a block I worked through it and I think I like the ending a lot. This is by no means happily ever after for them and there will be more Malec drama along the way. I can't keep things too happy for long. Let me know what your thoughts are about Izzy's decision. I love hearing from all of you and thank you for reading! Every favorite and review makes me so happy. Happy Reading**

**Anything you recognize isn't mine!**

Alec had never been more confused in his life. He could safely say Magnus Bane had messed his head up. The warlock had gone weeks pushing him away then pulling him close. He had tried to get something out of the warlock to no avail. Then all of a sudden Magnus was pouring his heart out on their kitchen floor. He was saying everything Alec himself had been thinking. He had been waiting for the warlock to figure out his head and then when he did Alec found himself in shambles. He had never felt this undone. He had thought losing his marks had been the worst thing that could happen to him. He felt this could be worse by a margin.

Every move he made reminded him of what had happened. He couldn't escape it by fighting demons, which is how he had avoided problems for the last eighteen years. He didn't have money to buy new books to escape in. All he could do was dwell which was sure to slowly destroy him. The feel of being torn apart and of rough hands holding him in place wouldn't leave his mind. He felt it all the time.

Izzy waited outside of Taki's and Alec was so grateful he wouldn't have to weave through people. She looked gorgeous in tight jeans with form fitting boots on her feet. She had her hair pulled back neatly as she always did. Alec felt a rush of warmth fill him at finally seeing his sister again. He hadn't seen her for going on two weeks and it had drained him. Isabelle had been his rock through a lot and he needed her now more than ever. Alec paused to look her over before she saw him. He often did this so he could see her unguarded. Isabelle was the strongest person he knew and had thick walls up for everyone. If you didn't catch her unaware you would never see beneath the tough exterior.

She looked contemplative, something big was on her mind. She had slight frown lines on her forehead and she hadn't been sleeping well. She held her body stiffly which either meant there had been a tough hunt recently or that she was stiff and holding everything inside. The bags under her eyes were just barely noticeable. Alec felt his heart sink a little at her distress. She was his baby sister and he couldn't be there for her. He wanted to be more than anything but they were truly worlds apart.

"Alec!" Izzy ran to him and he barely had time to brace himself before she threw herself into his arms and he spun her around laughing slightly. His aches seemed to disappear as he finally had his sister by his side again. She clung to him for a long moment before pulling back slightly to brush the hair out of his eyes. "You look exhausted, and you need a haircut."

"Well, thanks Iz," Alec kept an arm around her as they walked. He carefully steered her away from the crowd and down a quiet path through the park. "You don't look well rested either little sis, what's going on?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Izzy pulled away from him and stopped to buy an ice cream from a vendor. Alec sighed and knew this one wouldn't be easy to get out of her. His sister was the best person he knew at keeping her cards closed off. She could wheedle anything out of him but she was quite difficult. That or he was just really bad at wheedling.

"So, how are the demons?" She wrinkled her nose and sighed a little.

"Smelly and dangerous and showing up at horrible times, nothing new. How's high school? Simon tells me it's not your favorite place?" It was Alec's turn to look uncomfortable and look away. Thinking of school only made him think of last night and that was something he couldn't afford to think of right now.

"It's better I guess. I met some guys who aren't so bad. I'm getting through it." He sank down on a bench, too sore to keep on walking long. Izzy gave him a strange look but sat down next to him.

"Okay, so what's the best part about being a mundane?" Alec looked at her and shook his head. She was ridiculous when she was trying to make small talk.

"Isabelle, just tell me what's bothering you. I know you asked me to meet you for a reason. And you look upset, and tired, and like you've been thinking way too much again." Izzy sighed and threw her cone away before setting her chin heavily in her hand.

"Okay, fine, so how did you deal with the fact that Magnus is immortal?" Alec's eyes widened in surprise, not expecting that to be on her mind. He looked at her closely and figured that she had finally figured out she was crazy about a certain vampire.

"Well, Iz, we didn't. I mean we broke up is how dealt with it. It was a mess, and actually it still pretty much is. I hate it." Isabelle nodded and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to ask Simon to turn me." Alec sat in complete shock and blinked a few times, unsure if he could have heard her right.

"Turn you? As in, turn you into a vampire? Are you fucking nuts?" Alec's voice had risen to a shout and Izzy winced as she leaned away. She bit her lip and clasped her hands together tightly.

"Alec, I don't know how else I would deal with it. I mean, haven't you ever thought about it? Simon doesn't have magic and it's the only way we would be able to stay together."

"You haven't even been dating him for that long. You haven't even admitted you're in love with him yet! How can you make such an irrational decision.? I could expect this kind of bullshit from Jace maybe but not from you. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Why is it ridiculous I want forever with Simon? Don't you want that with Magnus? Don't you love him that much?" Isabelle's voice had also risen to a shout and Alec thanked the stars the park was empty as they both stood on opposite ends of a bench.

"I love Magnus more than you could ever comprehend. Every single part of me loves him more than I'd thought possible. I can hardly breathe when he's not around. But it's time for you to grow up and realize this is life and it doesn't always turn out the way you want?" Izzy let out a derisive laugh and shook her head.

"You think I don't know that by now? Are you kidding me? I've lost both my brothers and my father. Max is dead, you're a mundane of all things, and Dad decided to ditch us for someone else. He's screwing =someone in Idris!. That's why he left. I think I know by now that life almost never turns out the way we want it to. I'm taking control of this and I will be with Simon forever."

"Izzyt, do you even know what you're asking? You're asking to be undead. You would never have a macchiato again or walk out in the sunshine . You're going to sit and watch as I die, and as Jace dies. There is no guarantee that you and Simon will even be together forever. Simon has a lot of enemies out there and he could be killed tomorrow! There are no guarantees. If Simon loved you, really loved you, then he would never ever let you do this. You're being irrational."

"I don't care!" Isabelle's voice finally raised itself to a scream as she started to cry. Alec swore and rubbed his forehead. He hated to see her cry, but he just couldn't let her do this. It would be insane, and he couldn't do a lot for her anymore but he could at least talk her out of this one, or at least he hoped he could. "I feel alone all the time! Simon is the only one who is there for me anymore. I know you think being stripped of your marks was awful, and it was, but it was for me too! I'm the only one at home anymore and I can't stand it. I don't want to be alone. And I can't just leave Simon like that. I know how being left feels and it's awful. If you aren't brave enough to do it for Magnus that's your problem but I'm doing this for Simon. I am. While your boyfriend cries over you I'll still be around! Who knows, maybe when you're dead and if Simon and I fall apart we'll even hook up or something. Since I actually cared enough to give up anything for the person I care about!" Alec's rage boiled over and he allowed himself to scream back for the first time in his life.

"Fine! Do whatever the hell you want! I don't know why I even try stopping you anymore! You never even listened to me anyways! Go on and fuck up everything but don't you dare come crying to me when this isn't what you want! I'm sick of cleaning up after you and picking up the damn pieces! I try and tell you it's no good but you never even listen! IF Simon is so damn important then I guess you don't even need me anymore!" Alec whirled on his heel and stormed out of the park, only seeing red.

His pace slowed after several blocks and he cursed as he ran rough hands through his shaggy hair. It had gotten way too long without Izzy or his mother to cut it. He hadn't found the courage to find a barber yet so he was stuck with long hair. Isabelle's announcement had been too much for him. Everything was absolutely messed up and spinning out of control. His sister wanted to be a vampire, he had been stripped of his marks and raped, and who knows what the hell Jace was getting up to these days. Alec missed him but wasn't sure whether talking to him would make it worse or better. He didn't know if you could repair the closeness that came from the paratabai bond. He could barely speak to Magnus without crying or getting into a fight. He longed for the day snot so long ago when he had first started dating Magnus. Sure, things hadn't been perfect but they were better than they were tonight. He had been blissfully happy falling in love with the High warlock of Brooklyn. He had had his entire family together and not falling apart. Now, there was nothing he could do as things quickly spun out of his control completely.

"Why-does-everything-have-to-be-so-messed up!" Alec grumbled as he punched the brick wall in front of him. He bottled things up and normally he had a more conventional punching bag but this would have to do for the moment. The pain grounded him somewhat and he was able to get control again of his emotions. There was everything from confusion, hurt and sadness to anger, frustration, and guilt. As he closed his eyes he employed a tactic that he had developed shortly after he had started seeing Magnus. When he was particularly upset he imagined what the warlock would say or do and it helped. He knew Magnus have probably been infinitely better at convincing Izzy because they were best friends. He probably would have turned the guy from the club into a rat for at least a year. He would have been making all the friends he could at school. Alec managed a small smile as he managed his boyfriend's flamboyant style floating around the halls. The thing about Magnus was that he had so much confidence no one much questioned his decisions.

He loved the warlock. It was evident in so many ways but it rang true as he talked to Izzy and the younger girl had suggested he no longer did. Every word he had said had been absolutely true. He did love Magnus with every piece of his heart. Their love made sense to him and it always had even through all the hiding and drama. It made him brave enough to kiss him in front of the entire Clave. It made him brave enough to stand on his two feet after his marks had been taken. Magnus made him a better person just by being in his life at all. He never let him down and the man was always there for him no matter what hell came their way.

Alec pushed off the wall ignoring every ache his body had and nearly sprinted the six blocks home. He took the narrow stairs two at a time and was thankful the door was open or he likely would have broken it down in his haste. He burst in and ignored Chairman winding around his ankles, intent on finding only one person.

He stopped and finally smiled to see Magnus working at the desk in his work room. His hair stood up at all ends and he wore pajama pants with slippers. There were glasses perched on his nose as he leaned over to closely look at the papers in front of him. A hand was tangled in his hair as his cat eyes scanned quickly. The soft light made his caramel skin glow and Alec felt his throat tighten suddenly. He had been so stupid. They were both terrified of the looming romance in front of them but there was no denying he loved Magnus Bane. He loved him more than he had loved anyone in his life. Magnus had put up with numerous tantrums, mood swings, and nightmares. He had dealt with Alec not speaking to him one minute and wanting to cuddle the next. He had worked relentlessly to support the two of them alone. He was an amazing man and likely deserved better than he could ever give him.

But that was all he had, and for Magnus it had always been enough

Alec cleared his throat softly making Magnus break his intense concentration and look up. When he saw it was Alec a flash of uncertainty went through his eyes before he stood and stretched. He slowly came around the desk, but quickly picked up his pace as he spotted the blood smeared on his hands.

"Alec, what on earth happen-" Alec brushed aside his reaching hands and wrapped a hand firmly around the back of his neck and brought their lips together. This kiss was very different than the ones they had shared in months. It had purpose and passion to it. Alec poured everything he felt and all he had into the kiss. Their tongues slid against each other in a natural pattern that Alec could say he missed more than anything. Magnus wrapped an arm around his waist and deepened the kiss skillfully. Alec ran his hands over every inch of skin he could find to touch, never getting enough. They broke apart out of breath and Magnus gently brought their foreheads together.

"Not that I don't appreciate that kind of hello, but what was all that about? Last time I checked you said-"

"Screw everything I've said the last few weeks." Alec panted as he struggled to even his breathing. "Screw all of it. I love you Magus Bane. I love you and that's all that matters right now. You are the only thing that makes sense when everything else is falling apart. The only damn thing that makes my head stop spinning."

"You want to get back together?" Magnus whispered. Alec gave a chuckle and took the warlock's hands in his own.

"I want you back in my life please."

"Even though I have a past?"

"Yeah, even that."

"Even though I'm awful at sharing things?"

"I'll work it out of you." They both laughed a little.

"Alec, we have a lot to work out. You were right to say things weren't exactly healthy between us." Alec nodded and looked up to meet the older man's gaze.

"I'm willing to try and so are you. That has to count for something." Magnus stared at him for a long moment before taking his hand and leading him to their bedroom. Alec sat on the bed puzzled as Magnus brought out a box and handed it to him.

"I bought it for you a while ago but with everything I hadn't had a chance to give it to you. I thought we could hang it above our bed. It fits us pretty well." Alec shot him a confused look but obediently unwrapped the box to open it. Magnus sat next to him and held him close as they read the quote together.

_You are you, and I am I, if in the end we end up together, it's beautiful_


End file.
